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Working Effectively

Four Negotiating Mistakes That Women Often Make

Some women are uncomfortable with the word negotiating though they do it everyday. Negotiating is a skill that has to be learned. Even powerful and successful women have made negotiating mistakes. Jessica Miller, a commercial real-estate executive and author of "A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating", wanted to know what they learned from them. She talked with top women executives in a range of industries to discover the most common mistakes women make when bargaining. Four of these missteps, which follow, are relatively easy to correct once you realize that you're making them.

Mistake No. 1. Adopting a negotiating style that doesn't reflect who you are.

Solution: Be yourself, but be the best self you can be. Because many women haven't learned that there are many successful negotiating styles, they avoid negotiating or think they don't have an aptitude for it. To be successful, however, you must employ a negotiating style with which you're comfortable. How you negotiate needs to reflect who you are. You must be authentic or you'll lose all credibility.

Mistake No. 2. Not seeing a situation as an opportunity to negotiate.

Solution: Ask -- almost everything is negotiable if you see it that way. Many women don't recognize that opportunities to negotiate exist in almost every interaction. They look at situations in terms of decisions that have to be made, rather than opportunities to negotiate. So if you assume everything is negotiable, you'll find that it's true. Ordinarily, a situation doesn't preclude you from negotiating. Instead, it dictates how you need to go about trying to get what you want. Successful women recognize that almost everything is negotiable, although you don't want to negotiate everything. You decide what's worth negotiating.

Mistake No. 3: Not being willing to say no.

Solution: Don't be afraid to use the "no" word. Women often have difficulty saying no, particularly when they're dealing with someone they care about. Because women place a high value on relationships, they're more hesitant about saying no. They want to keep everyone happy.

You don't have to say no loudly or aggressively. If, however, an offer is less than you think it should be, you need to point that out politely but firmly. If the other party can't, or won't, improve the offer, you need to be willing to walk away. If you have prepared properly for the negotiations, you'll know the other options you have in case this discussion doesn't work out the way you had envisioned. Knowing your bottom line and being willing to say no to something that doesn't meet your needs often results in the other party finding a way to satisfy your needs, as long as you're flexible and willing to work with them.

Mistake No. 4: Not negotiating well when it's for yourself.

Solution: Negotiate for yourself as if you were negotiating for someone else. Both men and women find it difficult to negotiate for themselves, but women often have an even harder time. Many women were raised to believe that it's selfish to ask for things for themselves.

One helpful technique is to visualize yourself as negotiating for someone else. Think about what you would do if you were advocating on behalf of a person whom you care about. Then approach your personal negotiations similarly. Another technique that can help you negotiate more effectively for yourself is "self talk." Before you begin, give yourself a little pep talk. Go over all the reasons why you deserve what you're requesting. You are your toughest audience. Once you convince yourself, you'll have no trouble convincing everyone else.

Learning to negotiate will empower you. You'll decide what to agree to and what you aren't willing to accept. You'll be able to shape situations to ensure that your needs are satisfied. Negotiating well will help you to get what you want, not only in business but in your personal life as well. Once you master the art of negotiating, you'll soon recognize that the only real limits to what you can achieve are those you place on yourself.

This article is adapted from the book "A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating" of Lee E. Miller and Jessica Miller.

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